A Tainted Challenge
She was 22 and married. I had originally talked to her when I first entered the bar. She was with her friend who was celebrating her 21st birthday. The 22 year old was sexy and I was quick to act. The girls asked me to buy them drinks to celebrate. I met them halfway by telling them that if they could get closer to bulls eye in darts, I would buy them shots. I lost and relented. Things might have...
Sauce of Darkness
It’s Cinco de Mayo circa 2008. I’m living in Montclair and still in college. I’ve been invited to a party in my hometown. It’s going on at Desean’s house and it sounds like it’s going to be a good one. I tell Matt and Aaron about it, but neither of them can make it. I head out on my own. I get to Desean’s house and park in front. I then walk through the open front door and see a bunch of people in...
On the Farm - Pt.3 (Adult Content)
I’d been in contact with Pilar for over two weeks. I always frowned on text messaging, but it seemed to be the only way I could keep in touch with her. I’d been asking her about her plans during the week and she would repeatedly have something come up. Eventually, she explained to me that she’s going back to her home country of Spain. Surprisingly, this was all happening in a week. She made it...
On the Farm - Pt.2 (Adult Content)
Me: Do you guys know what this means?
[I hold out my phone so both my brother and Dom can both see it. I cycle through my conversation with Pilar and stop at one of her responses. I read the message in question.]
Me: "Ey im on the farm sorry. Tomorrow I work in usq. we can meet in my day off."
[Dom and my brother look at each other.]
Dom: So... what's the problem?
Me: What the hell does "On the farm" mean?
Dom: What are you talking about?
Me: Doesn't it mean something?
Dom: What do you think it means?
Me: Doesn't it mean she's like on the rag or something?
[Dom and my brother break out in laughter.]
Me: What? I'm pretty sure it means something.
Dom: Yea, like maybe she lives on a farm.
Me: I guess I see your point. I'll have to find out.
Dom: Yea, in the meantime I'm going down to the beach if you know what I mean.
Me: What does going to the beach mean?
Dom: Means I gotta go take a dump.
On the Farm - Pt.1 (Adult Content)
It was a Monday night and I was at the bar with a few friends. Everyone was heading home as the bars in Hoboken had their last call and began closing up. I wasn’t ready to go home just yet. Still, I was on the fence. I have no one to join me. “What do you think man?” I asked the bartender. “Should I head into the city by myself?” “Hell yea,” he waved his cigarette, “is that even a question?”...
I’m not entirely sure how I met Natalie. I can specifically recall the first time I heard her name. She had a unique one and that’s why I can’t write it out. Whenever I do, I dream about her. Sometimes they’re good ones, other times they’re bad. Regardless, I prefer to avoid them entirely. Still, it’s funny that I recall the exact moment I heard her name. I was...
Nothing worse than not having control over your body. Glad I hid a flask of Scotch in the work fridge. Unfortunately, hiding alcohol is supposed to be a bad sign. The temporary reprieve is worth it.
Bedding a Knockout (Adult Content)
I’d slept with Selena by our third date. Although the first time I had sex with her, I actually fell asleep. I must have rolled over her and let the booze put me into standby mode. I woke up to her staring at me. “Did you cum inside me last night?” “Oh…” I thought back to the previous night and struggled to remember what happened. “I, uh…” I...
The Spy Who Teased Me (Adult Content)
It was September 25th, 2011 when Jacob and I decided to go to the city. “My friend Mimi is having her birthday in a place in the Meatpacking District tonight,” he explained. “She’s loaded so she has her own VIP area to herself.” “Sounds pretty good. I mean, I’m not a fan of the clubs in general but if we’re invited I’m down,” I replied. ...
For the longest time, I’ve been on a quest to sleep with as many different women as possible. It wasn’t until about a year or two ago that I began to assign myself goals, or checkpoints even. I felt as if making it to a specific number would actually validate how well I was doing. As it stands, I’ve been fast approaching what I’ve long considered my first milestone. I...
Man Overboard (Adult Content)
I was teetering in and out of consciousness. I had brought a flask of Gin with me to the girl’s house. I was still new to the dating scene in 2007 and I had no idea what to expect. So I quickly downed the flask as the guys that had shown up did lines of cocaine in front of me. I didn’t know anyone except for Maggie. I had previously met her in Hoboken and made out with her at the lounge bar. She...
A Fortune in Debauchery
People were talking up the date. It was mostly on Facebook. It was July 7th, 2007. 7-7-7 was apparently a big day to get married. I guess all the talk was starting to affect me. I began to get excited for the night. Matt had set up a double date with his girl friend & her roommate. It’d been almost a year since I’d last slept with a woman. I was ready to give the night my best...
Two Sizes Too Small
Avoid, like the plague. Come to terms, pretty quickly. Go out, obviously. Pour out your heart, in progress. Laugh, how could I not? Identify the problem, already did. Focus on tomorrow, always. These are the steps that E-How.com says you should take to get over someone. I’ve followed most of them. So why is it such a pain in the ass to write about her? There’s a degree of anonymity I...
Get a Night Life (Adult Content)
I went to a Swingers club once. I was probably 21 at the time. By definition, it’s a place where you go to have sex with other patrons. It’s unlike a brothel, in that you don’t pay to have sex. I didn’t know much about these things. I just assumed there would be an opportunity to meet women. Matt was the one leading the way. Matt had been talking up the possibility of...
Don't Fall Asleep in The Meadows
I always heard your first night in Vegas is always the wildest. I’d seen it in movies & read about it in books. It stands to reason that I would be excited to hear that my father’s business associates had their sights set on Vegas for their annual getaway. The trip was a week long. My father never actually went on them. He was always far too busy. My brother, on the other hand,...
The Summer of 2005 was the beginning of my college experience. Montclair State University was having some type of welcoming seminar that lasted two days. I remember going with Aaron and later finding out that I had gone on the wrong day. English Majors, like myself, were supposed to go a week later. The school officials didn’t mind though and simply squeezed me in. The event was supposed to...
She'll Dew (Adult Content)
I had just recently turned 21. I had only slept with a handful of girls at this point in my life. I was clearly a novice and it showed. I simply could not close. Sure, occasionally I’d find some random chick at a bar. I’d talk to them and even engage in a great make out session. If I was lucky, or particularly daring, I’d go home with a few smelly fingers. I would later even make it a point...
I was 18 when things started to finally come together. I was just beginning to get over the horrible acne situation I’d been suffering through for years. My skin was finally cleaning up. I had spent what amounted to a quarter of my life fanatically doing everything I could to get my face back. At last, I began to feel like a human being again. It had originally started lightly when I was...
I feel as if my life can be taken straight out of a classifieds ad. It’s as if I’m just a page that’s waiting for that one particular person to stop and look at. I’m there, continuously waiting for her to bid on me. Writing about yourself is difficult. Most people are quick to write about their strengths. I’d rather mention my terrible karaoke voice, my sometimes...
What's In a Name (Adult Content)
I never bother remembering someone’s name. It goes both ways, for guys and girls. I don’t see the point. I go out way to often and meet an overabundance of new people every night. I can’t be expected to remember everyone I meet. I’m not blessed with that kind of memory. My ordinary memory doesn’t prevent me from being cordial. I still kiss girls hello and shake hands...